Falling Slowly

Don't we just so easily assume that as soon as we start trusting God that he is going to give us what we want because we are just so good by trusting him with it. The Bible says that "A man plans his way but the Lord determines his steps." This verse makes me angry at the moment. I am the Queen of planning. I have an imagination that could knock most of your socks off but I keep it hidden deep. People think I am very open and outgoing but most of the thoughts I have stay buried within, never to emerge. I like having a plan. A plan means security and safety and control. I think that being in control is part of having a plan. So when I wait and wait and wait and freaking WAIT some more for my plans to work (and P.S. they hardly ever do) I grow despondent and my insides ache like that are right now and I just want to curl up in my bed and cry. I thought I was being faithful, God. And then something that I started to hope for and even laid continuously at His feet was snatched away in a moment of time. I was humiliated with myself and angry with God for allowing me to even hope. But then, I guess I'm the one who chose to hope. God never promised me anything. This deep desire of my heart has been ever laid before God. I'm to the point where I want to give up and just say "forget it. I don't want this anymore. I would rather stay detached from a person and not get hurt then allow myself to hope." I know this is crazy but for the first time tonight I almost mean it in complete seriousness. And maybe that is what I am supposed to do. To let go of this dream completely so it is no longer mine. To instead realize that I am not faithful. I am an adulteress. I cheat on God every day with sin. I long and desire for things more than I desire Him. Through Rob's testimony tonight at the ROC, I was reminded of God's faithfulness, even in the midst of our disappointment. God is still good even when things don't go according to Annie's plan. God is still faithful when my plans fall to pieces. God is still God, even when things seem out of control and messy. God will use this time of unfulfilled dreams and desires to pull me closer to Him. He will knock away everything that I try to hold onto until I'm left clinging solely to him. I want to have an undivided heart for the Lord. Someone else talked about God being number one in his life. And how that isn't what God wants. He said "God wants to be my life!" How true. I am not angry at God. I was frustrated earlier but I realize I was acting like a spoiled child. I told him that I was going to trust him completely and follow His leading this summer. And the day after, I already throw a tantrum when something throws my plans for a loop. Oh what a selfish creature I am. But I realize that I just have to dust myself off, get up again tomorrow, lay my requests before the Lord, and wait in expectation for what He is going to do. There is so much more in my heart but it is really late and I have to get up in 6 hours. But God is faithful and I will continue to cling to the fact that He will bring me to the right place at the right time and that when I reach that place, I will be all the more grateful for these lessons now.